Attachment- Based Therapy in California

Attachment-Based Therapy

Attachment theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby and later expanded by others like Mary Ainsworth, describes the way individuals form emotional bonds with significant others, especially in early childhood relationships with caregivers. It provides an outline for how our attachment system develops and how it connects and disconnects in our relationships.

 Babies instinctively form attachments to others to ensure their survival, a trait ingrained in our evolutionary past. Those who stayed close to their caregivers had better chances of reaching adulthood and eventually reproducing.

When primary caregivers are present and responsive to an infant's needs, the child learns to trust and rely on them, fostering a sense of security and safety necessary for exploration and growth.

Growing up with supportive and consistent caregivers typically leads to secure attachment. However, if our needs are unmet or we face adversity such as neglect, illness, or socio-economic challenges, we may develop less healthy coping mechanisms or patterns of attachment as a means of survival, therefore developing attachment wounds that may impact our present day relationships and internal sense of security and safety.

The Importance of Understanding our Attachment System

Unfortunately, as infants or children, we had no control over whether our needs would be fulfilled or neglected; our responses were purely instinctual and we adapted to the experience. Consequently, this adaptation or style of attachment serves as the fundamental framework for how we perceive, interact, and connect with others and the world, often shaping our adult relationships on an unconscious level.

Our attachment system stems from a primal, evolutionary instinct to bond with our caregivers, a crucial element for survival. This indicates that we are biologically wired for secure attachment.

Our intrinsic attachment system possesses remarkable adaptability, allowing us to acquire new skills and techniques to go back to a state of secure attachment. This, in turn, enables us to foster authenticity, genuine connections, and safety in our lives and relationships.

Attachment Styles

Mary Ainsworth categorized styles of attachment into: secure, insecure ambivalent (anxious) and insecure avoidant. Main and Solomon further added insecure disorganized. Research has shown that early childhood experiences with our primary caregivers develop a “blueprint” for how we interact later on in our adult relationships. On an unconscious level, this can affect our behaviors, expectations, and perceptions. Most of our current triggers or reactions to external circumstances are often deep-rooted to our early attachment experiences.

 Recent advancements in the field of attachment research, coupled with insights from contemporary neuroscience regarding the brain's capacity for change (neuroplasticity), present an exciting prospect: the ability to transform negative relationships patterns into positive behaviors.

Encouragingly, regardless of our early experiences with caregiving or past relationships, there exists the potential to reestablish secure attachment, fundamentally altering the dynamics of our relationships. This opens the door to experiencing deeper intimacy, a sense of wholeness, and increased resilience.

Secure Attachment:

At the core of secure attachment lies “attunement”, which involves being present, aware, and to effectively respond to the needs of a child. It entails the capacity to tune into and understand someone's thoughts and emotions.

Individuals with secure attachment typically experienced abundant love and consistent support from caregivers who were responsive to their needs.

Those with secure attachment possess a fundamental trust in others, feel at ease expressing their needs, and navigate conflicts and challenges with grace and resilience.

Secure Attachment in Adults:

• Have trusting and long-lasting relationships

• Have the ability to express their emotions with their partner

• Have a strong sense of self-esteem

• Can show compassion towards themselves and others

• Are comfortable with commitment and intimacy

• Honor their own needs and the needs of their partner

• Seek, initiate, and accept repair

• Highlight connection, trust, and safety

Anxious (Ambivalent) Attachment:

Individuals with ambivalent attachment experienced inconsistent caregiving during early childhood, characterized by intermittent periods of responsiveness and neglect. This inconsistency creates uncertainty, leading the child to constantly monitor for cues regarding how their actions might provoke a reaction.

Those with ambivalent attachment often disregard their own needs while imposing unrealistic demands or expectations on others. Despite a strong desire for connection, they harbor simultaneous fears of abandonment and loss of connection.

Consequently, they may find themselves oscillating emotionally between moments of needs being met or unmet, resulting in feelings of anxiety, insecurity, or a sense of being unlovable or unworthy of love.

To facilitate healing, individuals with ambivalent attachment can focus on acknowledging and addressing their own needs, cultivating self-regulation, and expressing their needs and desires.

Anxious Attachment in Adults:

• Hyper-focus on the other person

• Depend on external sources for regulation

• Intensely desiring connection while simultaneously grappling with a profound fear of its loss

• Experiences anxiety and insecurity when partner is absent

• Harbors a fear of abandonment, yet may inadvertently drive the partner away through unattainable demands or expectations

• Communicates distress through complaints or criticism as a plea for reassurance

Avoidant Attachment:

When primary caregivers are emotionally not available, display insensitivity, rejection, or neglect toward a child's need for connection, the attachment system adapts by disengaging or disconnecting —both physically and emotionally.

Deprived of intimate nurturing, the brain's neurobiology lacks the necessary signals and stimulation to develop social responses and form healthy bonds. Consequently, this disconnection initially extends to the parents and subsequently affects all other relationships, leading the avoidant individual to feel self-reliant and respond by withdrawing or detaching.

Despite avoidants inherent longing for love and intimacy, they experience significant discomfort when it comes to seeking help or articulating their needs in a relationship.

For those with attachment wounds, trust in another person represents a difficult hurdle. Healing begins with consistent reassurance that their needs matter—maintaining a steady, reliable presence can foster a sense of safety and reinforce secure attachment skills.

Avoidant Attachment in Adults:

• Overly focus on themselves and their needs

• Have difficulty in expressing their needs and tend to want to do it themselves

• History of brief, noncommittal relationships

• May find faults in their partners to disconnect from them

• Tend to send mixed signals and reject emotions

• Avoid intimacy due to fear of getting hurt so they tend to self-sabotage or push away

Disorganized Attachment:

Disorganized attachment, the most intricate of attachment styles, emerges when the attachment system becomes intertwined with the survival instinct's fight/flight/freeze response. This occurs when the primary caregiver, the supposed source of safety, also becomes a source of fear or threat, often within tumultuous or abusive environments.

Individuals with a disorganized attachment style often exhibit unpredictable behavior patterns, characterized by a blend of avoidant and ambivalent tendencies, yet always remaining in survival mode to react to threats.

For those with disorganized attachment, relationships and intimacy can evoke a sense of danger. However, it is possible to heal and learn new ways of coping. The first step involves understanding the attachment system and how it impacts sense of self and how you see the world.

Disorganized Attachment in Adults:

• Closeness and intimacy can provoke panic or withdrawal

• Desire intimacy while simultaneously avoiding it

• Difficulties with self-regulation

• Hyper vigilant for threat of danger or changes in mood

• Unable to express needs

• Anticipate rejection

Fortunately, attachment style’s aren’t set in stone, meaning that they can shift and change. As time progresses, many of us acquire several or layered attachment styles. Our responses can vary based on the specific situation, relationship dynamics, environmental factors, and our own unique attachment style.

It's important to understand that attachment styles are not inherently labeled as "good" or "bad." Even if we developed insecure attachment patterns during childhood, it's crucial to recognize that secure attachment remains achievable because of our innate biological drive to form connections and heal.

Even when faced with significant emotional trauma or navigating challenging attachment adaptations, our brain's neuroplasticity empowers us to forge new neural pathways, transform unhealthy patterns, and reestablish secure attachment during adulthood.

We can all learn and practice new skills and behaviors to come back to a healthier way of interacting with others and feel safe and secure within our own bodies. Healing can be a complex journey, and asking for help from others can be valuable in this process!