Abusive Relationships
Abusive relationships are rooted in patterns of power and control, not conflict, miscommunication, or mutual responsibility. Abuse often develops gradually and escalates over time, impacting a person’s nervous system, sense of self, and ability to feel safe - both within the relationship and beyond it.
Abuse can take many forms, including emotional, verbal, physical, sexual, financial, technological, and stalking behaviors. Even when abuse does not involve physical violence, it can still be deeply harmful and destabilizing. All forms of abuse deserve to be taken seriously.
From a trauma and somatic perspective, living in an abusive relationship means the nervous system is often under chronic threat. Over time, the body may shift into survival states - such as hypervigilance, freeze, shutdown, or appeasement (fawning) - as a way to stay safe and preserve connection.
Physical Abuse
Physical abuse includes any intentional or unwanted physical contact, or behavior that threatens or causes injury, harm, or fear. Abuse does not have to leave visible marks to be real or dangerous.
Examples of physical abuse may include:
Hitting, punching, biting, kicking, scratching, choking, or strangling
Throwing objects at or near you
Spitting on someone
Pulling hair or forcibly grabbing your body or clothing
Blocking exits, preventing you from leaving, or forcing you to go somewhere
Using or threatening to use weapons
Touching your body without consent
Forcing sexual contact or sexual acts
Physical abuse often coexists with emotional manipulation and intimidation, which can make it even harder to recognize or leave.
Emotional and Verbal Abuse
Emotional and verbal abuse involves non-physical behaviors meant to control, intimidate, or undermine your sense of safety, autonomy, and self-worth. Many survivors minimize this form of abuse because it doesn’t leave bruises - yet its impact on the nervous system can be profound.
Examples include:
Name-calling, insults, or constant criticism
Yelling, screaming, or intimidation
Gaslighting (denying reality, minimizing your feelings, questioning your memory)
Excessive monitoring, “checking in,” or controlling communication
Isolation from friends, family, or support systems
Jealousy, accusations, or possessiveness
Threats toward you, loved ones, pets, or themselves
Blaming you for their behavior or emotions
Trauma researcher, Dr. Judith Herman explains that prolonged emotional abuse can lead to complex trauma, particularly when a survivor feels trapped, dependent, or fearful of consequences for speaking up.
Sexual Abuse
Sexual abuse occurs when someone pressures, coerces, manipulates, or forces sexual activity without clear, voluntary, and informed consent. Sexual abuse frequently occurs within dating relationships, marriages, or situations where the survivor knows the perpetrator.
Examples include:
Unwanted sexual touching or kissing
Sexual activity when intoxicated, asleep, unconscious, or unable to consent
Coercion, pressure, guilt, or threats to obtain sex
Forced or unwanted rough sexual behavior
Reproductive coercion (refusing condoms, restricting access to birth control)
Sexual insults, humiliation, or degradation
Consent cannot be assumed, forced, or owed. The absence of resistance does not equal consent. Trauma research shows that many survivors freeze or comply to reduce harm - a biological survival response, not agreement.
Financial Abuse
Financial abuse is a powerful form of control that restricts independence and safety. Because financial security is closely tied to health and survival, this form of abuse can deeply entrench someone in an unsafe relationship.
Examples include:
Controlling access to money or bank accounts
Monitoring spending or giving allowances
Preventing or sabotaging employment
Stealing income, benefits, or financial aid
Using debt, credit cards, or financial dependence as leverage
Withholding necessities like food, rent, or medical care
Financial abuse often reinforces other forms of abuse by limiting options and increasing fear of leaving.
Technology-Facilitated Abuse
Technology can be used as a tool of surveillance, control, and intimidation, creating a sense of never being able to fully relax or feel safe.
Examples include:
Monitoring social media or dictating online behavior
Constant texting or demands for immediate responses
Tracking location through apps, GPS, or spyware
Pressuring for passwords or access to devices
Harassment, threats, or humiliation online
Sharing or threatening to share private images
Healthy relationships are built on respect and trust - not monitoring or control.
Stalking
Stalking involves repeated behaviors that make someone feel afraid, unsafe, or watched. Stalkers may be current or former partners, acquaintances, or strangers.
Examples include:
Showing up uninvited at home, work, or school
Repeated unwanted calls, messages, or emails
Following or surveilling movements
Using others or fake accounts to gather information
Damaging property or leaving unwanted items
Stalking keeps the nervous system in constant state of alert, reinforcing fear and loss of safety.
Dr. Bessel van der Kolk and Peter Levine both describe how ongoing abuse conditions the nervous system to prioritize survival over choice. Many survivors develop patterns of freezing, fawning, dissociation, or self-blame - not because they are weak, but because their bodies adapted to threat.
Understanding Why People Stay
One of the most harmful myths about abusive relationships is the belief that people stay because they are weak, unaware, or choosing abuse. In reality, leaving is often the most dangerous and complex, and staying is frequently a nervous system survival response - not a failure or lack of insight.
Survivors are often met with judgment, disbelief, or shame from society, friends, and even professionals. Questions like “Why didn’t you just leave?” or “Why did you go back?” overlook the psychological, emotional, financial, and biological realities of trauma.
From a Somatic Experiencing lens, prolonged exposure to threat conditions the nervous system into survival mode. When danger is ongoing, the body prioritizes:
Safety over clarity
Attachment over autonomy
Survival over choice
Dr. Peter Levine explains that when escape doesn’t feel possible, the nervous system may shift into freeze, shutdown, or appeasement (fawning). These states can make it feel physically and emotionally impossible to leave - even when a person knows the relationship is harmful.
Staying can be the body’s attempt to:
Avoid escalation or retaliation
Maintain predictability in an unsafe environment
Preserve attachment when separation feels more threatening than staying
This is not a conscious decision - it is biology.
Trauma Bonds and Survival Attachment
Dr. Judith Herman and Dr. Bessel van der Kolk describe how abusive relationships often involve cycles of harm followed by remorse, affection, or repair. This creates trauma bonds, where moments of connection become deeply reinforcing —especially when the nervous system is starved for safety.
The body learns to associate relief, closeness, or calm with the very person who causes harm. This can make leaving feel like withdrawal, grief, or danger rather than freedom.
Emotional, Psychological, and Practical Barriers
People may stay in abusive relationships for many reasons, including:
Fear of retaliation or escalation if they leave
Financial dependence or lack of resources
Concern for children, pets, or family safety
Immigration or legal vulnerabilities
Cultural, religious, or familial pressure
Isolation from support systems
Hope that the abuse will stop or that the partner will change
Shame, self-blame, or internalized responsibility
Loss of self-trust or intuition over time
The Myth of “Choice”
It’s important to name that over time, abuse can make choice feel limited or unsafe. Survivors may:
Doubt their own perceptions
Minimize harm to cope
Feel emotionally numb or stuck
Lose access to their intuition or gut signals
Dr. Gabor Maté describes that trauma shapes behavior through adaptation, not choice. When someone has learned— often from early attachment experiences— that connection requires self-sacrifice or endurance, they may unconsciously stay in harmful dynamics because it feels familiar or necessary for survival.
This doesn’t mean someone isn’t intelligent, capable, or strong. It means their nervous system has adapted to prolonged threat.
The question is not “Why did you stay?” The more compassionate and accurate question is: “What made leaving feel unsafe or impossible at the time?”
When we understand abuse through a trauma-informed and somatic lens, blame softens and compassion, clarity, and healing becomes possible.